Thursday, June 20, 2002

I haven't been here for a long time.

But I needed to come back. I thought I'd left all this shit behind me when other things started happening in my life that weren't as dark and as sour as some of the things that were going on back at the last entry. But maybe I needed her, maybe I needed to drag that self back out into the light and force her skin to blister in the sun, because it will make her stronger.

Maybe I'm just talking shit.

God forbid that any of my friends should find this place.

Where were we last time?
I'll bring you up to date:

I broke up with Dave.
I started going out with somebody who I loved more deeply than I've ever loved anybody, or (as is always the case) I thought so at the time. His name was Martin. We went out for five months and I lived for him, I was his, he was mine, we were two lovers trying to shut out the world from where it was flapping it's dark wings and screaming and shrieking like the wind around our heads, because while the world loved us when we were apart it could not stand us together.
Martin and I, the unit, the one entity, clinging together desperately, never wanting to be apart, not giving in to one another but propelling us both faster and faster into places I don't think I'll ever be again, that intense love that burns so brightly that it's power is seen as nothing but a horror and a thing to be afraid of for anyone living outside the tightly closed circle right in the heart of it - and there were Martin and I, hiding ourselves from the rest of humanity as they spat in our faces.
I suppose the world won in the end. One day we argued, and in the fear and the passion I went away and did not speak to him for a week. In that week I truly went through hell. I woke in the morning and the knowledge would hammer me and settle like a knife in my guts for the rest of the day. I lay tearless at night, waiting for the storm to break, missing him like nothing else, biting my lip til the blood came.
And finally I did break, I cried and howled like a baby, and I accepted that we were apart. I started to deal with the pain. I dealt with it and got rid of it and started to stand straight again, and then after all that time came a knock at the door and it was Martin and he was a wreck, and we were together again.
But it was dead. There was nothing there. The love had been burned right out of me. And so it ended, this time for good.

And, now, a long time later, I've been with my current boyfriend for about three months, and I like him. He's a cool guy, always makes me feel good about myself, and I've never let him see my dark side.

It's not a case of hiding it. I can't just bring it out to show him. When it's there, it's there. But he's always happy and bright, and so am I, because that twisted bit inside is never uppermost when he's around.
But, all the same, we've never plumbed the depths together, we've never hit those incredible heights together, it's a steady relationship that's different to any I've had before, and I don't know how to deal with it. He wonders why sometmes I'm quiet, he wonders why sometimes I seem on the verge of exploding with passion, he wonders at my extremes, because he can't go there with me.

I've started to form a theory that love, as far as it relates to me, has a limited shelf life. I can't just measure it out in a steady stream, it either comes in gushes or it flows in a trickle, or one then the other.
And I never know when it is going to run out.

Sunday, September 16, 2001

I'm angry.

I'm very angry.

For those joining the program a little late, this is a rundown of my life over the past 6 months.

I break up with longtime boyfriend
In a desperate attempt to get away from affection, I start impersonal, base, notsexbutclose, fuckbuddy style affair with manager at work
I stat to fall for another co worker at work
Co worker goes away for a couple months
I tell manager to fuck off after one too many time of him pissing me off
I am left without fuckbuddy, and without co worker to flirt with
I casually date a couple guys but dont get into anything
Co worker comes back and asks me out
I have one week of absolute bliss
Co worker starts 60 hour a week job, I work 40 anyway
We break up amicably, breaking my heart and tearing it into shreds but me not letting on that it was in fact NOT my decision to break up, and pretending that no I am NOT torn to bits over it
I spend the last few weeks slowly mending myself, rebutting anything that might turn into something deeper than friendship with a member of the male species
I look around and all I see is the one I fell for, and which I took the fall for.

This really sucks ass.

I'm angry

And I'm going to take the world by the throat and let it know exactly what it's done.

Wednesday, September 05, 2001

What is it with that damn girl???

I know it should NOT annoy me. Him and I went out once, so what.
But he had this obsession (unreturned) with this other girl before we met. Even after I was going out with him, it's like SHE was always in his mind, but in the back of it where neither of us paid a lot of attention. And now that we're well and truly over with, that girls back inside his head. He probably hasnt talked to her in months, she almost certainly never thinks of him, but the obsession is there.
Damn it.
The deep relationship we had, obscured by a liking for some chick from high school (years ago) who never gave him the time of day.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

If I didn't hang around with males so much, I think I'd hate them all.
It's only through getting to know them as friends that I keep my liking for them intact... otherwise, if I'd based my opinion of males solely on the boyfriends I've had, and how each affair has ended... I'd be a bit of a man-hater.

Every man I've ever been out with has ended up hurting me, really deeply... every time I check out all the angles, make sure theres no danger, venture out into the open and shyly hand over my heart for his keeping... every time this happens, sooner or later he'll squeeze it, crush it, drop it into the dust, tread on it, and leave it there for me to gather up and try to mend once again. There's no handing my heart back to me, with a tender admonition to be more careful with it. No picking it up from where he thoughtlessly dropped it, dusting it off and trying to set it right befoere he walks away. None of that.
Each damn time it's entirely up to me to scrable around on the ground to mop up whats left of it and stow it back inside, to heal, maybe, until I find another I think I can trust to give it over to.

I guess I'm just feelign a little depressed. It's rpobably not always like that. I know once or twice HE gets his heart broken when I'm careless with it, so I guess I deserve all I get.

You'd think I'd just not want to give my heart to anyone anymore. But it's not like that. I don't think I like being single, not at all. So it's a self destructive cycle, and for the time being I guess the heart crushing will go on and on an on.
How depressing.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Dave came back the other week. He came back! I coudln't believe the happiness I felt when he walked through my door...
Then he asked me out.
Why did such a good friend have to ask me out?
Why did I have to look at him and say yes?

Dave was my friend, my close close friend who knew me and who I knew and who I loved like a brother.

So yes. I love him. But after a few weeks, when we sat down the other night and discussed why we could not kiss or hug or muck around with each other without it feeling wrong, it was a mutual decision to quit the going out saga and get back on where we jumped off the 'just friends' wagon. Because for instance if I kissed my brother I would freak out. And it felt like that with him, with Dave my soul buddy. I loved him, and I still do, so bad it hurts sometimes. But I can't be his girlfriend and he can not be my boyfriend because of this. There's a terrible pain inside that it can never be this way, because we together are beautiful. There's also an intense happiness that it can never be that way, becasue this way I can not lose him. Losing Dave would kill me inside. I can keep him, this way, and keep him forever in a way that no girlfriend ever can.

Single and free, once more, I'm drifting...

Sunday, August 12, 2001

I've kissed a girl.
It didn't seem like a big thing at the time, but it was sweet. Her lips were softer than any guy's I've ever felt, and she was so gentle. She knew exactly what felt good for a girl, and so did I...
It was a few months ago. I'm sure I'm not a lesbian, because I still get wildly attracted to guys every damn time I turn around and there's another fine specimen in the vicinity. I didn't do anything else but kiss her, but because it was so different to any kiss I'd ever had with a boy, I'll always remember it as something special.

Her name is Jamie, and she is beautiful.

Saturday, August 11, 2001

My eyes are dry. I've been working for the past eight hours or so, and I'm tired. Having a job like mine is no joke. It's constant work, all the time.

My roommate (one of the other ones) is yelling something about a sore throat. I'm typing so fast I can hardly see my fingers on the kays, all I can see is a vague blur. There are hacking and choking sounds coming from the kitchen. I hope no one is throwing up in the sink.

I was pretty much offered physics, or what I like to call physics, tonight from someone I've known for a while and who is in their late 20's and who has a kid and who is very very attrractive. I'm talking super hunk here, a very sweet guy, loves his little girl to bits and who is one of the most considerate guys I've ever met. And if it werent for the little hitches of him being so much older and so much more settled and him much more experienced and him having a kid (I am not exactly famous for liking small children) and him being good friends with Chris... if not for all this, I might actually be attracted to him.
Wacky world hey.