Monday, April 16, 2001

To You,

Well here I am again. Ready and waiting to unload tonight into your eyes.

Tonight. I don't really think I should start there. The story definitely didn't begin there.

What do you do when your lips are still burning from his kisses and your skin is still tingling from his touch

Relationships. I'm beginning to hate the word.
I don't want a relationship. Not any more.
My boyfriend and I broke up 5 days ago. I was the one to tell him it was over. The hardest question to answer lately is when people come up to me, wide eyed and curious, "Why did you break up with him?"
I can't answer that in a word, damn it. No pat answers. I can't mutter, "he cheated on me" - he didn't. Or "I cheated on him" - I didn't. Not "It was a mutual decision" - it wasn't that either.

I broke up with him because we saw things too differently, especially in the way we viewed each other. He saw me as a potential life companion, maybe a future wife. He was settled. He could look at his life and say, I want to be here in 5 years time, and when that 5 years rolled around, he'd probably be there, and he'd be happy there.
I'm not like that. I'm a bit of a tumbleweed. I went out with this guy for longer than any other, and as long as it was a lighthearted involvement with each other I couldn't have been happier. We were 'serious' about each other in that we stayed true to each other, we didn't see other people, and it was more or less a long term thing - as in, we never actually stopped going out, once we started.
That's how I saw it. If I'd have known his thoughts were turning towards something more serious than that, I'd have watched out for the warning signs and maybe I'd be in a different situation now. And maybe not. I can't say.
In any case, that wasn't the only reason. I was restless. I didn't want to setle on the first choice when I had no idea what the others were like - that's always been something I apply to my choices in life. I'm eager and curious about the world and everything in it, I want to know.

At the same time, I cared - still care - more deeply for this one guy than ever before for any other. I'd never been closer to another guy, and Dan and I were incredibly close. We could practically read each others minds.or so I thought... towards the end we discovered things about each other that took us both by surprise, just in the way we both thought and how different it was from what we'd thought it had been.

I'm not done telling all the history yet. But I'm tired and the screen is starting to blur, so I'll get to telling more of this later, when I can think a little straighter.

Love, Julie
I've busted out. This is the other me talking now, the one who was silent for so long, who represses her own dreams, her own desires, to uphold the crystal clear and pefect dreams and desires of the other.
There's a good me and there's a bad me. You could put it like that. Only the bad me isn't bad, just different, just taking her own path. And it is her own. No one elses'.
Only I kniow this blog is here. It's probably a very dangerous thing to put onto the net. I need to find some way to make it restricted access. I know jack shit about computers compared to my peers though, and they're the ones who don't need to know what's in here. If they did find out that it exists, and if they put in the slightest effort, even a password to access it wouldn't make a difference. They'd get around it. 31337 h4x0rs that they are. So my best defence, with my limited skill level, is still keeping it secret from everybody.

Where the hell do I start?
I can't tell anybody.
No one. Not my family or my friends, save the friends who are directly involved. The friend. There is only one who knows anything close to the whole of it. The others know a little, but in different pieces. If every one of my friends got together and aired everything they knew, there would build up a picture of a Julie nobody knows, someone they've ever seen, never imagined could exist in this fragile body. As it is, everybody has a different piece of the story and that piece is nothing in itself, nothing of value or interest. Only the bigger picture amounts to anything.