Wednesday, May 23, 2001

I'm so cruel.

Why do I take any power I have, and proceed to test it to the breaking point, and hold it there? In pain for the people who are twisted up in it?
I try to post here a bit more often but it's hard.

Ok, updates. This is my no holding back time. I can open up to you.

Here's a synopsis of my life over the past 6 or so weeks:

  • First - after feeling really disconnected and weird for a while, I break up with Danny (my boyfriend of over a year) leaving him really depressed and confused and basically messing up his life.

  • Second - after a period of 3 days, I find myself making out with Chris, who happens to be my manager at work. We get pretty heavily into it.

  • Third - after busting my gut for someone to talk to, seeing as the whole getting-with-my-boss incident(s), (this being a week or two and one or two more incidents later) I confide in Jordan's roommate, who turns out to be a totally cool person to talk and listen to.

  • Fourth - after a series of chats, drnken nights and drunken talks in Randy's company, we decide to conduct a drunken experiment (hey, we were drunk, ok, can I stress this enough!?!) and rate the other's kissing abilities. The rating session, while starting out as purely scientific, ended up as being a "we're enjoying this too much to stop" kind of times. You know half the story - the last blog. The other half happened when I snuck into his room after my friend had gone to bed and was safely out of the way.
    Right, ok, we didn't go *that* far... I managed, through the happy alcoholic haze, to retain my pants :) which I was proud of in the morning, given that there was lots of personal desire to get the damn things off. But I didn't. Which is a good thing, because I'd rather retain my virginity til I can plan on losing it at least 5 hours beforehand.

  • Fifth - Chris and I, after starting out on a totally casual basis, look like we might be heading into deeper territory - one with the word 'relationship' in it somewhere - and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
    The guy is cool. He's nice, he takes me with him doing fun outdoor stuff and he wants to take me camping with him. He rescues me if I run out of petrol or break my car or need a lift. I love hanging out with him. Before my ex and I broke up, Chris and I hung around together all the time. I used to sleep over heaps and we'd watch movies and play Playstation and chat about nothing and everything. Now, it's not a lot different, but we jump each other occasionally (ok, make that all the time). But there's never been any commitment. No exchange of words or actions which signify exclusive girlfriend/boyfriend kind of thing.
    And I'm glad.
    After a year-long relationship, another deep commitment is exactly what I don't need.