Thursday, June 07, 2001

Chris, I wish you could read this.
But even if you were a computer guy, who knew enough to avoid getting an email account at Hotmail, which you aren't, and you didn't - how would you know? There are that many Chris's in the world. And I can't tell you which one I'm writing about, but it's you baby, it's you.
I nearly told you the other night that I love you, but I didn't, because I don't think I do love you enough to tell you so, but I wanted to because it felt like I did. And it still does... oh i'm so confused.
I want to wake up in your arms every day.

Yet here I am. I'm scamming Ran too. As well as you, baby. What kind of a whore am I?
You didn't reply to my SMS.

God, I'm confused.
When I was sick that time, you were right there, but you didn't do a thing. You let Jei give me pills and comfort me and when I looked at you your face was blank but there was something there in your eyes, a caring thing that said you were aching to hold me - but you weren't. Why, baby? I know no one else knows I'm with you. Jei certainly doesn't. I wonder what he'd say if he knew. I wonder what would have happened if when I got sick, you forgot the whole secret thing and held me right there in front of everyone, smoothed my hair back and told me it'd be ok. The others would be knocked for six, they have no idea, no idea at all.

I care for you, at times I think I love you, but i just escaped from one gilded cage and I don't want to lock myself up like that again.

And what about that other night that you know nothing about?
There were the nights with Ran, but this one was different.
This was something else.

Shhh. It wasn't what you think.