Thursday, June 21, 2001

I wish I could talk to Jei right now.
Jei, you're only a couple of miles away froom me at the moment. You're probably watching TV or talking to that skanky ex girlfriend of yours. She's a total mole, Jei. She always treats me like shit. I don't know why. Does she see me as a threat? She's a bitch in the manger. She doesn't even like you to have girl [space] friends, let alone girlfriends. And she's sleeping with half the male population in town, and blowing the other half.

I hate to see my friends treated that way.

But aren't I doing the same?
Being treated like that.
Sometimes I think Chris is the biggest jerkoff ever born. I don't know why I put up with him, and if we had something more serious going between us I would have dumped him about a million times by now.
But it's just a casual thing. I know I put all that shit last time about thinking I was in love. I know I'm not, but sometimes I go on all these little flights of fancy because I wish so hard.
Because it's so casual, I don't care if sometimes he's an idiot. When he holds me, I can forget the times he ignores me and disses me, i can forget our bitchfights, our long silences. Becasue he's there and he's kissing me and I'm in his arms and he's in mine and for a little while we're in harmony with each other. And I can go to sleep with his arms around me and I know that I'll wake up with them still around me, holding me close, keeping me warm.
I love those times.
Then we get up and if neither of us are in a hurry we'll watch TV or a video for a while and lie on the couch, touching and sometimes I'll feel him shift and rest his cheek against my hair, and I feel so secure, becasue I truly don't give a rats ass about the future then.

And theres the other times, when we cant talk without snapping at each other, when for some reason we're pissed off and take it out on the other, when we deliberately flirt with other people while the other is RIGHT THERE, for the express purpose of making the other annoyed and depressed and hurt and jealous. I do it a lot more often than I should, I know.

If it was a relationship, it'd be a very unhealthy one.
But we're not going out.
We're not together.
He never asked me, I never asked him. I don't think either of us want a relationship at all.

And I can put up with the tension sometimes as long as we still have the quiet, close times.

I feel no guilt about what I occasionally get up to with Ran.
I dont even feel guilty about helping Ran cheat on his girlfriend. I should, but it's like there's no feeling there, of guilt or regret. I don't know if he feels guilty. I think he does. But we use each other to let off a little steam, with absolutely no strings attached. He knows this, I know this. It's an Arrangement, and it benefits both of us, with no detrimental value to anyone else, because there is no one else involved.

Jordan, well he's a bit of an enigma. I'm really close to him but sometimes it seems like he thinks he's responsible for me. It's never been anything romantic between us, ever, and I'm pretty sure I'd never be attracted to him like that. But we've been friends for a long time, and respect each other. The fact that he's a bit older than me never really factored in, although I think he got kind of pissed when his friends were taking an interest in me, because it just chucked a whole new vege in the soup, ya know what I mean.

There are three people who I'm pretty sure have a crush on me at the moment. I've never had that many interested in me before at once :P seriously, though. Barry told me he's liked me for a while, and I was freaked becasue he's my friend and I don't go out with my goddamn friends. Ben (my big Benno!) has been calling me a lot lately, just to 'talk' about nothing, and I'm worried that he's got some idea of taking our friendshop a little further. Aargh. Guys.
And Greg, too. I think he might. Just from how he acts. But he's like younger than me by a whole week or something. Not that it really matters I guess, I'd go with a younger guy. But he knows Chris pretty well, and has no idea Chris and I are involved in any way other than that we work together.

Besides, I'd try not to get with any of Chris's friends. That woudl sting. I wouldn't if I could help it.

*sigh*