Friday, June 29, 2001

I'm still going to write about my wierded out love life here.

That's not going to change.
I'll just try to make it like an actual person's written it...

Let's start with Chris.

I was awful to him tonight.
I mean, awful.
First I ignored him all evening. Then he started talking to Lee, this reall pretty chick, a bit younger than me. Nice girl, not a prospect though, she's kind of young. But anyway I got antsy about the fact that he was talking to her.

Let me explain something. When someone appears to be snubbing, ignoring, belittling or acting superior to me, I retaliate in kind. Double dosage, too. And if I perceive that one of my friends (eg Chris) is both ignoring me and lavishing attention on someone else (eg Lee) seemingly for the express purpose of making me jealous - well, there are two instant reactive rules about how I respond, that I tend to follow
1) don't notice their little tete-a-tete... and never let on that you're jealous
- never let the person know that their ploy is working! ever!
2) seem to be having a fantastic time
- you do NOT need THAT person to have fun, so go ahead and have a blast with all the surrounding guys.

I don't really know if it works... it salves my poor dented pride, anyway.
Especially when one of the guys around me is in on the tactic, and helps out by appearing to be majorly coming on to me... heh! funny stuff.

Problem is, I think Chris has the same unofficial policy going. And if it's recursive like that, no one is ever going to win.

He hadn't been paying a lot of attention to me at all tonight, and I raised my eyebrows and thought, well he can just ignore the empty space where I was if he's going to be like that.
Chris is a bit of a champion at ignoring people. He can make someone feel stupid just by looking at them, or even by *not* looking at them as the case may be. Which is an annoying trait when I find myself on the recieving end (but I like to think I give at least as good as I get, in my own special and sneaky ways).

I just kind of feel a little bad, now, becasue he hadn't done all that much to deserve the supersize payback I gave him. Ok, if someone is going to be on a string in this wierd friendship/relationship thing we have, I'd prefer it to be him rather than me! If I start finding any strings attached to ME, I'll be getting out the scissors and making sure they're nice and sharp.
Unles I'm blind and I'm so tangled in the damn things that I can't see I'm at the centre of a ball of the stuff... *sigh*

this is getting totally mushed, so I'll write something a little more understandable next time
but I'm tired now so its bedtime
I found a friend tonight.

I've been friends with him for a while but I found his heart and his mind tonight, and found out that both of us are hurting so much, and we looked at each other I think we both had the same vulnerable, shy, questioning, painful look... and the hurt I saw, in his eyes, at what had been done to him this morning, nearly made me start crying, and he looked suddenly like he was afraid at the look in my own eyes, becasue there was just so much of my own hurt and pain balled up in there as well... and we hugged each other and I felt like I'd found a soft resting place on this sharp thorny path I'm trying to climb.

I might let myself out a little, here.
This blog was once just an outlet for my asinine little hormonal fancies, but I think I'll quit the whole make-the-audience-think-you're-just-a-sex-crazed-blonde and tell you what else I am

I'm not denying that I'm a sex-crazed blonde, but on the other hand I haven't done a lot to tell you about the millions of other things that make up whatever is known as Me...
so maybe the tone of this blog is going to change a little. I might change the title too, but I'm not sure

Then you lay me down in clover
With their petals on my back
I should make some time
To do more things like that...

[Sister Hazel - Beautiful Thing]

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

I did have a chat to Jei, and it helped.

He just looked at me while I was babbling away, with that clear-eyed, thoughtful look he gets when he's analysing my gestures and expressions and tones and inflections as much as he's listening to the words I'm saying. Thank you Jei. Usually I hate to be the subject of intense analysis but it really did help this time, because it was almost like I didn't have to say too much and he already knew the story.

He didn't really have a lot to say about what I was talking about. I haven't put the story down here, but it was a painful thing that happened, and I'm still hurting from it.
It was good just to know that someone else knew, though, and it helped me sort it out in my mind...