Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Dave came back the other week. He came back! I coudln't believe the happiness I felt when he walked through my door...
Then he asked me out.
Why did such a good friend have to ask me out?
Why did I have to look at him and say yes?

Dave was my friend, my close close friend who knew me and who I knew and who I loved like a brother.

So yes. I love him. But after a few weeks, when we sat down the other night and discussed why we could not kiss or hug or muck around with each other without it feeling wrong, it was a mutual decision to quit the going out saga and get back on where we jumped off the 'just friends' wagon. Because for instance if I kissed my brother I would freak out. And it felt like that with him, with Dave my soul buddy. I loved him, and I still do, so bad it hurts sometimes. But I can't be his girlfriend and he can not be my boyfriend because of this. There's a terrible pain inside that it can never be this way, because we together are beautiful. There's also an intense happiness that it can never be that way, becasue this way I can not lose him. Losing Dave would kill me inside. I can keep him, this way, and keep him forever in a way that no girlfriend ever can.

Single and free, once more, I'm drifting...