Wednesday, September 05, 2001

What is it with that damn girl???

I know it should NOT annoy me. Him and I went out once, so what.
But he had this obsession (unreturned) with this other girl before we met. Even after I was going out with him, it's like SHE was always in his mind, but in the back of it where neither of us paid a lot of attention. And now that we're well and truly over with, that girls back inside his head. He probably hasnt talked to her in months, she almost certainly never thinks of him, but the obsession is there.
Damn it.
The deep relationship we had, obscured by a liking for some chick from high school (years ago) who never gave him the time of day.

Tuesday, September 04, 2001

If I didn't hang around with males so much, I think I'd hate them all.
It's only through getting to know them as friends that I keep my liking for them intact... otherwise, if I'd based my opinion of males solely on the boyfriends I've had, and how each affair has ended... I'd be a bit of a man-hater.

Every man I've ever been out with has ended up hurting me, really deeply... every time I check out all the angles, make sure theres no danger, venture out into the open and shyly hand over my heart for his keeping... every time this happens, sooner or later he'll squeeze it, crush it, drop it into the dust, tread on it, and leave it there for me to gather up and try to mend once again. There's no handing my heart back to me, with a tender admonition to be more careful with it. No picking it up from where he thoughtlessly dropped it, dusting it off and trying to set it right befoere he walks away. None of that.
Each damn time it's entirely up to me to scrable around on the ground to mop up whats left of it and stow it back inside, to heal, maybe, until I find another I think I can trust to give it over to.

I guess I'm just feelign a little depressed. It's rpobably not always like that. I know once or twice HE gets his heart broken when I'm careless with it, so I guess I deserve all I get.

You'd think I'd just not want to give my heart to anyone anymore. But it's not like that. I don't think I like being single, not at all. So it's a self destructive cycle, and for the time being I guess the heart crushing will go on and on an on.
How depressing.